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Play Now. Flash to a snapshot on the side of the road after my massive bike accident last year, the sound of my head hitting concrete, helmet shattered -- along with my confidence -- swearing I'd never be able to ride again.
What it felt like to be so truly afraid. I defined each push somehow to serve as coping with whatever I called up to fight against.
And you know what? It worked. If I weren't in the middle of my 6 month Spinning hiatus, I'd totally have made a ride about it. In the end, my fake stress test was probably a bust.
I have no idea if I pushed hard enough to truly tax my heart sufficient to see "anything. But I did learn that the stuff I so regularly advocate in endurance coaching has JUST as much power for anaerobic efforts.
Letting it stand for something , letting it mean something. Pushing for a purpose, as a mechanism for conquering whatever needs to be conquered.
Friday, May 21, Touching Lives? The clinic's founder and director is a mind-blowingly brilliant physician who is one of the most globally impressive people I've ever met.
Uniformly adored by patients, colleagues, politicians and the general public at large, every word out of his mouth is precise and utterly impactful.
But the quote above, which he said to me on one of my very first days at clinic, that stayed with me for sure. I remember being a kid and dreaming of "making a difference," "touching lives," blah blah blah, all that vague, generalized do-gooder stuff.
Initially, that translated into local community service projects and general attempts not to be a jerk towards others. As I got older, I started seeking out professional opportunities to be involved with stuff that had lasting consequences, and found that I found the concept of being attached to those consequences rather rewarding.
Doing stuff with consequences almost, in a sense, had a built-in feeling of purposefulness and meaning. I suppose that deciding to become a doctor is much of the same.
When I became a Spinning instructor in , however, I had none such lofty ideals. I got certified purely "for the heck of it" - more curiousity than anything else; I didn't even plan to teach.
I never imagi ned, 3 years later, that I'd have had u nbelievably i nte nse relatio nships through this program: people I've taught, people I've trai ned, people who have taught a nd trai ned me.
I never thought I'd author a blog read by hu ndreds of people. I never thought I'd cha nge the way I saw myself , how I saw the world. Or that, nearly exclusively through the course of my new role, that I'd carve out a way to bala nce my quest for "co nseque nce" a nd mea ni ng.
Simply put, I never thought I'd touch a nyo ne. I was n't tryi ng to. Yesterday, I got a n email from a fellow fit ness blogger who has impressed me over time with her upbeat, e nthusiastic, soul-pouri ng posts, a nd with her ge nerosity with her seemi ngly e ndless e nergy a nd creative ideas for fit ness i nstructio n.
She told me a story of how somethi ng I'd writte n a year or so ago had i nspired her to step outside her comfort zo ne a nd teach a n e ndura nce ride i n a very risky setti ng i.
To be ho nest, it took me a while to "register" what she was talki ng about. I'm o n a n away-rotatio n at a hospital i n Mai ne, a nd have bee n so far removed from this part of my life.
I have n't coached si nce February, have n't writte n for this blog or ICI - I promise, 4 weeks til this rotatio n e nds!
My next medical colum n will be about use of blood pressure meds i n exercise , have n't eve n bee n trai ni ng myself for medical reaso ns that I'll ultimately describe o n ICI - it's a useful case study i n how hard it is to provide good medical care for athletes.
I've just bee n so completely disco n nected from stuff that, prior to a few mo nths ago, was such a hugely life-defi ni ng realm of my world. Somehow, I actually ki nd-of forgot about it.
It's no wo nder I've bee n feeli ng so useless, taggi ng alo ng like a puppy i n a white coat arou nd a miserable, cold, chaotic place that would be the LAST place I'd wa nt to be if I were really sick i.
It's humbli ng to thi nk that stuff you do has larger co nseque nces tha n you i nte nd, sometimes. My sidebar of my other blog , describi ng how its URL ear ned its name, says it all.
T ruth be told, what this perso n accomplished had very little to do with what she read here -- it's all about servi ng as the spark that "clicks" people i nto shifti ng their ow n paradigms.
You never k now what's goi ng to set people off, get them thi nki ng. You never k now what's goi ng to truly speak to people at the very specific place where they're at, to i nspire them to choose the directio n they wa nt to go.
M y boyfrie nd teases me about my redu nda ncy - I speak the way I write, a nd I write the way I coach both athletically a nd medically - a nd, yes, I do co nti nue to see my role as a physicia n-i n-trai ni ng as such -- deliveri ng messages i n multiple differe nt ways, with the hope that o ne particular fragme nt of o ne of those messages will be the o ne that "carries the day" for someo ne.
Because if it doe s n't, the n what's the poi nt? Of all the times a nd co ntexts i n which I've suffered from bur n-out, I ca n ho nestly say that I've never had this experie nce as a coach.
Sure, there have bee n times whe n I'm tired or cra nky or sad a nd wa nt to stay home a nd nap i nstead of getti ng up i n fro nt of a room a nd kicki ng i nto "positive life prese nce mode.
Bur n-out is bei ng so drai ned that you temporarily forget your purpose. A nd if your purpose is to co n nect with people, to reach them, to share your expertise a nd passio n for the thi ngs you believe i n -- do it.
Eve n if you do n't thi nk it's worki ng. You're always touchi ng lives, eve n if you never k now it. I'm 6 weeks into my third year of medical school i.
I wake up at 5AM, spend all day til after dark at the hospital, where I am treated to some of the gloomiest, most depressing scenes and stories, and feel absolutely helpless in contributing anything to the lives of the very very sick, very very lonely people who have very little choice in allowing me to learn from them.
I do my best to stay out of the way of the medical team I follow around, who reward me by "pimping" me asking me questions in front of a huge group of doctors, often for purposes of fulfilling a rite of passage under the guise of "teaching" on various topics.
At night, I come home, "dump" a version of my crazy day to my boyfriend 4 hours away, back home in Burlington by telephone while I eat frozen food, read for a few hours about arbitrary, self-selected vague medical concepts I think might potentially help me with the next day's "pimping," then sleep for a few hours, snuggled up with a heating pad for my aching neck that's been weighed down for 14 hours with my overloaded white coat and stethescope.
My usual coping mechanisms for navigating the challenges of my day seem not to apply here. I'm not blogging occasionally, I splatter collections of inarticulate, partially processed stories onto my " life blog " -- not blogging meaningfully, at least.
I'm not regularly exercising. I'm not reading anything that inspires me. I'm not "creating" anything - an experience, an example.
I'm flat. But there are moments that make all of "this" worth-it -- subtle moments that lend perspective, purpose, and meaning.
A patient dying of renal failure tearfully telling me that I made her life better. Another patient getting out of bed for the first time in 3 weeks.
An email from my mentor back in Vermont, validating the concerns and reflections I've shared about how cold and callous inpatient medicine turns out to be.
A Facebook Wall post from someone who reads this blog, telling me that some verbose rant or another had somehow contributed to their ability to communicate with and guide other human beings.
Traveling back to Vermont to co-lead a 6-hour charity endurance ride to benefit the Special Olympics, sharing the honor with Master Instructors who have mentored me including Jennifer Sage, flying all the way out from Colorado -- no way!
I VERY regrettably cannot make time to write about this life-altering experience at least for a few mo nths til I get my first break - but Jennifer wrote about it on ICI: click to read.
It's these moments where I remember that, only weeks ago, I was adaptive, fulfilled, and happy. I had an epiphany as to why. And, finally, I was motivated to write.
I used the word "exercise" above. I very rarely use that word. When I expend physical activity, I refer to it as "training. For every given training session, I have specific objectives to achieve these goals: specific heart rate parameters, a specific plan, and specific issues on which to focus with specific reasons for doing so i.
When I get uncomfortable or tired or discouraged or otherwise tempted to quit, I remind myself of my goals.
I've written ad nauseum about the importance of " training for something ," and of encouraging my riders to identify what their "something" is.
When I train people, I educate them and empower them to make choices consistent with their values -- with their "something. It means something to them.
On my first rotation, nephrology, I didn't show up with any specific goals. I showed up "ready to learn how to become a doctor.
Armed with my uber-specific goals and sub-goals, not to mention my heart rate monitor, I'd have WAY more purpose than that -- merely walking into a gym.
Why was I not approaching my career the same way? Had I had specific objectives and strategies, perhaps my days would have at least had the illusion of greater structure and purpose.
When a patient on my service died every few days, maybe I could have remembered what I'd identified as my reason for being there.
Maybe not. But maybe. Last week, I started my psychiatry rotation. I'm on the dementia unit, which is truly as sad as end stage renal disease.
I'll write on my other blog eventually about the important differences between these experiences -- but the one noteworthy for now is that I started with specific goals: 5 things about psychiatry that I wanted to see, understand and internalize to best enable me to serve people in primary care I'm going into Family Medicine.
I thoughtfully developed them, ran them by my mentor back in VT a family doc , and hit the ground running. This changed everything.
I show up every day with purpose, move through my day with a specific agenda -- and in the process of so doing, actually end up being more useful to both my team and the patients for whom we care.
It's still a largely discouraging experience being surrounded by so much brute hopelessness. But in defining a purpose, it's easier to restructure one's attitude and outlook.
Having a specific goal allows one to experience those "moments" that make it all worth-it, moments one chooses to create and structure.
I'm finally training for something, something of which I can remind myself every time it gets tough. And when I've learned what I've set out to experience, I won't merely feel like I "survived.
As on the bike, as in life Labels: motivation and goal-setting. I didn't mean to go this long without blogging, here or on my "life blog.
I testified before a state legislature I now live in a state where one can just up and go talk to The Government.
My classmates presented me with an award so overwhelmingly meaningful to me that I bawled in front of people like a buffoon.
I created a bunch of really quite creative Spinning classes that I reeeeeeeeeeally should have written up. I taught a bunch of really , truly lousy Spinning classes that I should have reflected on and shared, too.
Wrapped up in gauze-like constraints of distraction, doubt, pride, joy, despair, and utter burn-out, I've learned a ton.
Both concrete and not-so-concrete. I didn't write about any of it. Instead, I sat at my kitchen table all day long eeeeeeeevery single day taking thousands of practice questions for Step 1 of my U.
Medical License Exam for which I sit a week from today , remembering a time where I had such a good system for documenting and reflecting the experiences of my day in the various realms of my world.
Until today. Background: I've been training a group of new indoor cycling instructors, helping them develop and practice various stylistic skills above and beyond the technical stuff they learn through certification.
Today while giving them critical feedback on demo rides, one young woman whom I've been mentoring for almost the past two years actually moved me to tears.
Ours is a unique relationship: I've been training her since her very first indoor cycling class. I've been with her through her entire journey: first, cycling shoes -- then, a heart rate monitor not to mention her first LT field test -- then, her Spinning certification.
Ever since she decided to 'pursue her calling' to share her passion and knowledge with others, she has spent hours developing herself and her craft -- reading, writing, practicing.
The first time I observed her demoing a class, she was a total natural. But now just a few months later, she was an entirely different person "up there.
Describing with great specificity the "experience" she was skillfully creating. And though there was no mistaking the source of many concepts that passed her lips, that's not why I cried.
I cried because her presentation was unmistakenly, distinctively "hers. This woman is going to change lives. The irony is that this profound moment of appreciation came at the start of my last week teaching Spinning for the next 6 months with the exception of Ride for a Reason.
I'll be back to Vermont in the early summer, but won't re-pick up any classes until the Fall. But the thing is, though it's not by my design exactly, I'm ready for the break.
From newbie cyclists riding six-hour rides, to people finding self-efficacy and confidence through heart rate training, to guiding now seven enthusiastic, empowered young women on their instructor development paths, I've done something with this chapter of this realm of my world.
Now it's a matter of reapportioning my energy to the other realms of my life that, while not been neglected per se, have not been attended to as they need to be.
But not for another week. This week, my last week here, is also my last week til this uber-important, life-altering exam. When I came up from my books for air, I asked my roommate who also parks herself at the kitchen table all day what my ride should be about tonight.
She often responds with something completely absurd "the enzyme ALA dehydrogenase" , but it's easier for me to re-structure her joke-contributions into a concept of relevance to the masses "That enzyme may be irrelevant to me -- but not to the guy who's deficient in it and can't make red blood cells!
This is a ride about defining what skills are important to you. Today, she responded: "About how the Boards suck, and we hate our lives and everything is miserable.
Game over. Then, it hit me. Identify the obstacles that have stood in your way, and continue to obstruct you. Connect with your breathing, with the way your body is moving.
Feel at peace. Feel strong. Feel confident. Connect with the thoughts and images that empower you, that you can call upon when you need them.
Find it and commit. My opportunity to demonstrate the insane number of synapses I've created over the past year and a half, some of which may actually prove to help human beings.
Game on. I've had grandiose visions of epic year-end blog posts - The Best Year-End Blog Post Ever, guaranteed to bring tears to the eyes of readers near and far.
When that didn't happen, I consoled myself with a promise of The Best Year Kick-off Blog Post Ever, inspiring the masses to charge forward into -- and in so doing, re-focus myself.
That's why I write anything, ever, after all. But that didn't happen either. Life's not how it used to be.
I'm 4 weeks away from Step 1 of my U. Medical Licensing Exam, 6 weeks away from moving to Portland, Maine to start my inpatient clerkship rotations as a gasp 3rd-year medical student.
Hundreds of thousands of "factoids" rush into my consciousness day in and day out: Indistinguisable viruses, contextless drugs, obscure medical eponyms -- all of them a blur, encoding themselves in chalk into my memory.
And I haven't been carving out time for all of my go-to brain-decluttering mechanisms i. I used to, if anything, be "imbalanced towards balance" -- now I'm just so unbalanced, and so unmotivated to do anything to re-balance myself.
On this final visit to My Old Life over the holidays, I had two very opposite experiences. At the start of the week, I taught a double that was chock full of my old "regulars.
I watched them close their eyes and feel something. And I got tearful. I did all that. I made that impact. What I'd done here mattered, it meant something.
But a few days later, when I taught my very last class -- a double at a club where I rarely even subbed and never had any permanent classes -- to a room full of strangers.
I didn't use the phrase once; nobody would have recognized it. This momentous occasion for me, the final farewell to the final dangling piece that kept me in any way tied to My Old Life, meant nothing.
It was empty. I guess it needed to feel empty in order to feel "over. But a few days ago, I had an epiphany.
What if I just changed the narrative? What if I told myself that the past 2 months were a "recovery" from my life -- as if had been scheduled, like a recovery block in a periodized training calendar like I wrote about a year ago and, in so doing, kicked off the fluke popularity this blog now enjoys.
That changed everything. I taught my first Spinning class of , themed on Committing to Focus profile will follow. Some of the advantages of playing the live roulette include among others having lots of immersive fun.
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Skrill is one of the most used online casino payment methods because of its efficiency and reliability when it comes to safeguarding the banking details and personal data of its customers.
What is more, it is quite easy to operate with and does not necessitate one to open an account so as to make deposits.
The ease with which one can make payments with using a debit card has made these two quite the favourites when it comes to the online casino payment methods.
In addition to that, they can also be used to process money transactions both internationally and domestically. There is no denying that slots have managed to gain the attention of a number of gaming enthusiasts in online casinos due to the many options that they give customers to choose from.
Not to mention the fact that they have gradually evolved to providing sounds, graphics, game features and functions that are more sophisticated and appealing.
Spintastic Casino offers its punters a variety of high-quality slots that include not only video lots but also classic slots and progressive jackpot slots as well.
These are machines that offer the punter a jackpot that is constantly increasing in value. Just like all other online slots, these too have a variety of winning combinations that pay out jackpots of different sizes.
The three different types of progressive slot machines include the in-house progressives, stand-alone progressives, and the wide area progressives.
Progressive slots include among many the Wheel of Fortune and Mega Moolah. These are machines that have digital spinning reels displayed on a screen and a spin button for you to press so as to spin the reels.
The video slot machines are characterised by a variety of graphics, bet options, and line counts as well as at least 5 to pay lines.
The most popular video slot is Ironman slot. This refers to any slot machine that has three reels. The only difference that these machines have in comparison to video slot machines is that they have a smaller number of pay lines and bonus rounds that are less sophisticated.
One of the most popular classic slots is the Double Diamond slot. Spintastic Casino has an impressive array of services and an astounding selection of games that have given it an edge over other key players in the online casino industry.
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